Category: HEALTH

HSE Down To Last Wire Brush, Bottle Of Dettol

ANYONE currently awaiting treatment for ailments ranging from chronic piles to chronic pyorrhoea have been advised to check with their local hospital to see if their appointment has been cancelled, after the HSE admitted that cutbacks have decimated its supply of Dettol, and the one wire brush owned by the health executive is ‘fucked’. Furthermore, the… Read more »

Dr Taoiseach To Give A&E A Dig Out Over Winter

MAKING a complete u-turn on earlier comments that all hospital workers, including consultants, nurses and back-up staff must work “at full whack” over the Christmas holidays, doctor-turned-Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has canceled his lengthy seasonal holidays from the Dáil and vowed to ‘scrub in’ alongside the overworked, under-resourced staff of Irish hospitals. “Leo always has his… Read more »

BREAKING: Population Of Wexford Voted World’s Sexiest People

THE entire county and population of Wexford has been voted the planet’s sexiest town and people in a poll published this morning, WWN can confirm. People of Wexford stole a large majority of the votes from some of the world’s biggest contenders, including Summer Bay in Australia, Love Island in Spain somewhere and loads of… Read more »

HSE Stripped Of Right To Call Itself A Health Service

AN INTERNATIONAL health body has stripped the HSE of its right to call itself a health service in the wake of the CervicalCheck scandal, WWN can reveal. ‘Health service’ a protected title like dietician, solicitor, barrister, or speech and language therapist, can only be used by individuals or entities that meet the required standards and… Read more »

Hundreds Of Thousands Camp Out Overnight For WWN Live Show Tickets

HUNDREDS of thousands of news fans braved cold temperatures overnight to secure their tickets for what is expected to be the greatest and most intelligent live stage show of the world has ever seen. Queues spanning up to four kilometers began building outside Ticketmaster outlets across the country from last week, with desperate fans setting up their camping gear… Read more »

Medical First After Woman Contracts Man Flu

THE World Health Organisation has been drafted in to help quell the rising panic being caused by one Waterford woman’s positive diagnosis of man flu, the first of its kind anywhere on earth. Dubbed ‘Patient Zero’, to protect her anonymity, she is believed to be in her mid to late twenties, from Dungarvan and called… Read more »