AHEAD of a return to outdoor dining for pubs, cafes and restaurants the government revealed the full range of rules and stipulations which have been met with universal approval from all affected parties, as predicted. WWN can reproduce the rules for dining below in full below: 6 people per table with a maximum combined height… Read more »
TENSE scenes were witnessed earlier today in a Waterford cafe as Mark Mallin confronted his allegedly disloyal and conniving friend John Gernon about the news he had begun seeing Aisling Collins, despite the binding power of the unwritten law pertaining to one party delcaring ‘I liked her first’. “Like you knew we were vibing over… Read more »
ON THE day of non-essential retail reopening across Ireland, allowing people to finally purchase clothing items following a near 6-month lockdown, one local man took the time to reflect on his now tattered collection of boxers, penning them an emotional letter and thanking them for supporting him all the way. “Dear Jocks, Many of you… Read more »
LOCAL man Eric Downing felt his first signs of post-lockdown normality yesterday, after receiving a haircut from his re-opened barbers that was somehow worse than it had looked when he walked in with 5 months of shaggy growth on his head. “Ah yeah it’s grand, thanks” said Downing as his barber showed him the back… Read more »
PAIN on a level which allegedly makes childbirth look like a piece of piss has left local man Martin Daly in agony following an ill advised attempt to exercise for the first in years. “Can you dislocate a hamstring and tear a lung? Fuck,” said Daly, grimacing intensely as he gingerly placed himself back on… Read more »
“WHY didn’t we think of this earlier,” a frustrated with itself government said of the impending introduction of legislation implementing minimum alcohol unit pricing in retail settings. “We did it, we solved Ireland’s drink problem! We cracked how to wean young people off alcohol, while as a small bonus imposed a stealth tax on everyone”… Read more »
VAGUELY recalling why you her brother hasn’t been seen nor heard for almost 25 years, local mother Glenda Campion confirmed to her daughter Emer that she definitely told her about it at the time, and this wasn’t some big secret suppressed for decades. “Ah, it wasn’t something of anything really. Sure, you remember anyway,” explained… Read more »
DESCRIBED as ‘a modern relic’, an 8 inch curl of white dog poop has been sold to an anonymous bidder for just over 8 million euro, making it the most expensive faeces in history. Bumping off the previous record of 6.7 million paid of a curl of dinosaur poo by Nicholas Cage when he was… Read more »
FOLLOWING the announcement that hairdressers, barbers and salons are to reopen on the 10th of May, the government unveiled a new funding scheme aimed at helping the nation’s waxing technicians purchase hedge trimmers. “It’s no good reopening and offering these services if they can’t cope with the post-lockdown demands of some customers,” confirmed Minister for… Read more »
