Local Dad Has Enough Aftershave, Thanks ​

SPEAKING at a prearranged press conference outside his family home, Waterford man Derek Tracey informed the local and national media that he has enough aftershave in the toilet cabinet right now to last him the rest of his life, and if anyone was thinking of getting him more, “don’t”. The 43-year-old listed off almost a dozen high… Read more »

Loser Mother Doesn’t Breastfeed ​

DESPITE repeated calls to numerous child welfare services from concerned friends and family members, single mother Trisha Davis still hasn’t bothered breastfeeding her 6-week-old baby, even though it’s the most natural thing in the world, WWN has learned. Ms. Davis, a full-time barrister who had the child out of wedlock, cited ‘pain’ and ’60 hour weeks’ as the main reasons why… Read more »

Are You Getting Enough Plastic In Your Diet?

A STUDY conducted by the World Wildlife Fund has revealed that people could be ingesting an astonishing 5 grams of plastic a week, such is the ubiquity of plastics in our societies. However, those seeking to partake in a balanced diet may be worried their inadvertent consumption of plastics through plastic bottles and shellfish consumption… Read more »

Goody Fucking Two Shoes Doesn’t Do Coke

A COUNTY Waterford man who refused to try even a teeny weeny line of cocaine at a friend’s house party has been branded a goody two shoes by peers who insisted he should head off for a nice long run for himself if he’s going to be like that. Brian Noonan, who was probably the teacher’s pet… Read more »

New Playground For Kids Just Giant Pillow

COUNCILS across the country will shortly begin ripping out dangerous playground equipment such as slides and swings, and begin replacing them with a revolutionary new ‘big pillow’ play system. The new measure, which is completely edgeless and as soft as a kitten’s arse, is hoped to be enough to tackle the soaring cost of insurance… Read more »

Cryostasis: How You Can Beat Rising Rents

CAN’T afford the soaring price of rent in Dublin right now? Not fond of the idea of co-living? How about co-existing in cryogenic hibernation? One US company may have found a work-around for cash-strapped city-dwellers, and it’s a pretty cool one! “We got the idea after we heard that several firms were offering to freeze their… Read more »