HSE’s €21bn Budget On Track To Be Spent Solely On Compensation For Fuck Ups

THE HSE is set to miss yet another target with the hammer blow news that its €21bn annual budget will only be spent entirely on paying out compensation to victims of various health scandals and medical negligence by 2026 and not 2025 as originally planned.

“Children having non-certified springs placed inside them as part of spinal surgery will certainly help the HSE get towards spending 100% of their budget on compensation but I admit it’s not bad and inexcusable as we’d like,” confirmed Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly.

Speaking on the revelation that he had a report into spina bifida surgeries carried out in Temple St sitting on his desk since August but never informed the Taoiseach, the Minister defended the decision.

“The less people that know about the reports into reviews of reports into reviews of alleged medical negligence the more chance something like this snowballs into a massive money-chewing scandal which spirals out of control,” Donnelly explained.

The Department of Health has been commended once again for having precisely ‘fuck all clue’ what the HSE spends it budget on, if it spends it at all and whether or not it needs the extra levels of money it claims is required to running a clown car of a health service.

“We’re doing our level best to ignore the ignoring of clinical staff who highlight resource issues, lack of training, gaps in standards and oversight but we could be more idle as the HSE becomes more wasteful. We’re sincerely sorry,” offered a Dept of Health official.

Elsewhere, heartbroken parents of children with spina bifida have been taken aside by parents of CAMHs children and women affected by the CervicalCheck scandal and told to expect the HSE legal personnel sent to engage with them to be as hospitable as the surface of the sun.