People Planning Violent Assaults Urged To Take Up Inter-County Hurling To Avoid Jail

IN THE WAKE of Limerick hurler Kyle Hayes receiving a two-year suspended sentence for his part in a violent assault, the legal community in Ireland is issuing new advice and directives for would-be violent thugs intent on assaulting people.

“Can you believe this; I had one idiot client who assaulted someone inside a venue and then again outside a venue, ran away from the guards, denied he did it forcing a trial at the taxpayer’s expense – exactly like Kyle Hayes but the eejit never took up GAA so he’s serving 3 years. Some people intending to violently assault someone have no sense,” shared one barrister who wants people to heed his advice.

“My sincere advice to anyone out there who plans on beating someone so severely they have blurred vision, severe headaches and requied surgery on their face is get practising your sideline cuts now or else you have zero chance of a judge saying it ‘won’t benefit society’ to jail them”.

Elsewhere, GAA pundits said Limerick manager John Kiely’s character statement on behalf of Kyle Hayes being instrumental in the avoidance of a jail sentence must rank as highly as any All-Ireland win in his sporting achievements.

“A case like this prompts the question is it time the All-Stars create an award for Best Avoider Of Consequences and Sure He’s Just A Young Lad Letting Off Steam, celebrating all GAA-based achievements is important,” offered one pundit.

“Anyway, violent assaults are famously victimless crimes. The real crime here? People being mean about Kyle Hayes”.

UPDATE: A local drug gang specialising in intimidation and beatings has announced a midterm Cúl Camp for any young people looking to get into repeatedly assaulting people.