THE SUDDEN cancellation of the routine daily Covid-19 briefing was announced to make way for the reassembly of the Emergency Celtic Tiger Containment Unit for the first time since 2011 as it warned of a lethal second wave of Fianna Fáil, WWN can confirm. “We must suppress this disease in the community, where it can… Read more »
OVER six years since her horrifying honeymoon in Ireland with her husband Kanye West, reality TV superstar Kim Kardashian West has admitted that there are times she lies awake in bed, replaying the ordeal of the Irish midlands over and over in her mind. “She says she can still hear the voices in her head;… Read more »
AS Phase 3 of the government’s 4-phase re-opening of the country kicks into place today, here’s what the nation can finally start doing again after months of Covid-enforced lockdown: 1. All cockfighting, lurching, salmon poaching, off-season hunting, fox-lamping, badger baiting and elk-stabbings can once again take place, hopefully bringing the nation’s wildlife into check after… Read more »
“ALL weekend long, I’ve just had ‘Fiesta’ by The Pogues playing at full blast” beamed a jubilant Simon Harris, his youth flushing back to his cheeks for the first time since taking up the position of Minister For Health in 2016. “Same here, except I was pumping out ‘Sandstorm’ by Darude” giggled former Minister For… Read more »
THERE wasn’t a dry eye or undamaged liver in the early houses this morning, as sentimental and emotional Irish men and women were reunited with their newly reopened pubs. Dropping to their knees onto the sticky carpets, embracing their favourite rickety bar stool in a hug and mindlessly splashing their urine all over their favourite… Read more »
WATERFORD man Eric Wilson is congratulating himself for ‘playing the long game’ when it comes to choosing a football team to support, after his wise decision to pick Liverpool FC over Leeds as ‘his team’ finally paid dividends with a Premier League title victory over 30 years later. Like the vast majority of Irish people… Read more »
THE WORLD has breathed a sigh of relief at the news that Dublin based taxi driving immunologist Noel Shields has angrily stated for the umpteenth time this week that their won’t be a second wave, therefore making any expert stating otherwise look utterly foolish, WWN can report. Despite a resurgence of the disease in various… Read more »
OUTGOING FINANCE minister Paschal Donohoe licked his finger and raised it in the sky to appraise the direction of the oncoming wind, his eyes sharpening he confirmed to himself “yup, this mother is about to burn the fuck down”. Unprecedented remarks from the normally mild mannered Dublin TD but these are unprecedented times and Donohoe… Read more »
COMPETING police reform bills are being put forward by the Republican and Democrat parties, with an emphasis on reshaping how policing is thought of in America. Trawling through the bills WWN has gathered some of the stand out reforms proposed which should instantaneously solves all policing issues and systemic racism present in American institutions: The… Read more »
