Irish Athletes Forced To Withdraw From Olympics After Eating & Drinking Weight In Cheese & Wine

ALTHOUGH the Olympic opening ceremony hasn’t officially kicked off, the Irish team has suffered a significant setback after a number of athletes’ discipline slipped, ruining their competitive chances in the process after gorging on mountains of cheese and rivers of wine.

“‘What’s one slab of brie?’ you say, and before you know it your blood type is cheese, but I’ve no one to blame but myself. I’m sorry to those I’ve let down,” explained a disappointed Shane Drummond, who after a cheese binging session which started mere hours after he landed in Paris earlier this week, has been forced to withdraw from men’s rowing single sculls as he no longer fits in his rowing boat.

The additional 17kgs Drummond has amassed in the last week enjoying French cheese pales in comparison to his Team Ireland compatriot Una Skelley, who withdrew from the equestrian dressage event, saying it would be ‘animal cruelty’ to force her horse to carry her now that she has emptied vineyards of their produce and cheesemongers of their stock.

“Sure, it’s devastating to miss out especially after getting to the games but it’s my bank balance I’m worried about, I’ve drank the place dry,” Skelley explained, buttons popping off her shirt and trousers as we interviewed her.

Criticism has been levelled at the IOC for staging the games in a location so rich with tempting food and drink.

One athlete who at least made it as far as to competing was 10m air rifle athlete Ronan Kinsella, however, he was disqualified for carrying a carafe filled with a Bordeaux merlot into the arena and firing at a target which later turned out to be one of the competition judges.

“I’ve never been tempted to take performance enhancing drugs, but you put a cheese platter in front of me and uncork some wine, ah jaysus like,” explained Kinsella on his flight home to Ireland.