NEW rules to crack down on the country’s most dangerous businesses will see customers completing a series of new captcha tests, along with accepting cookies and GDPR settings before being allowed to enter the premises. Restaurant and pub customers will have to select ‘all squares with traffic lights in them’ to prove that they’re not… Read more »
THE NATION’S farmers have been told to hold off forming any considerable dislike or disdain for new Minister for Agriculture, Fianna Fáil TD Charlie McConalogue, until he makes it passed the impressive milestone of holding the office for more than five minutes. “Like, don’t plead with him about how your farm is about to go… Read more »
AWKWARD office chit chat was front and centre of the Dáil as its returned from its summer recess, prompting TDs from all parties to exchange excruciatingly dull tales of their brief time off during which absolutely nothing of political importance occurred. “Fierce quiet now so it was, yeah yeah” remarked Taoiseach Martin, inhaling a sigh… Read more »
FAILING TO hide her annoyance at the fact her youngest child has his school hazmat suit ruined three days into the school year, local mother Rachel Keeley’s patience is being tested to its limits. “What did I tell you? No knee slides,” Keeley said through gritted teeth which grasped thread she was using to sow… Read more »
A NPHET spokesperson has today advised publicans that if they adhere to some specific new rules that were scientifically proven to ward of covid-19, that they will be allowed to open within the next few weeks, WWN has learned. Speaking with their mouths today, officials from the National Public Health Emergency Team laid out the… Read more »
WITH nearly 1,500 cases linked to 28 meat factory outbreaks across the country, the Association of Garda Sergeants and Inspectors (AGSI) have called on the government to give them more powers to tackle house parties instead, as targeting lucrative meat industries wouldn’t look great, now would it. Despite checking over 6,000 pubs and bars last… Read more »
YOU’VE heard of the Dirty Dozen, well meet the Clean 19, a crack squad of zero-craic agents specialising in covid-19 rules around drinking and social distancing, without any fear of them joining the fun themselves. “For this job we couldn’t risk sending people in who could be talked around into ‘having one yourself, Guard’. We… Read more »
BREAKING news emanating from a local shop today has confirmed that a second national lockdown is absolutely inevitable, WWN can report without any hesitation. Sparking a media frenzy this morning, some random lad in Russell’s shop on Main Street made the announcement while waiting on a ham, cheese lettuce and coleslaw roll, before elaborating further… Read more »
SIX months of running roughshod over their fraught parents at home appears to have lulled children into believing that life will always be this handy, according to a shell-shocked group of Waterford school kids after their first day back. “When it got to 10 o’clock and I hadn’t been handed an ice-pop, that’s when I… Read more »
