WWN Previews: Germany V Spain, France V Portugal

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Germany v Spain:

German fans have said there’s no need to play the match against Spain as Germany have already put towels down on the semi-finals.

Toni Kroos, who has had more possession than a horror movie marathon, will be a key figure in the match.

To combat Kroos, Spain’s players were given one-on-one coaching by Hulk Hogan in order to successfully wrestle the ball from the Madrid player.

As motivation Spain manager Luis de la Fuente has said his side will be forced to watch England play tomorrow if they lose.

With sustained calls for the ‘battering ram made of bratwurst’, Niclas Füllkrug, to start the game, however, football purists insist if Kai Havertz is given another 9,000 minutes upfront his genius will become clear to doubters.

Roy Keane has been cut from ITV’s coverage after they developed an AI robot that can repeat the words ‘at the end of the day, they just wanted it more’ on command.

For those unable to watch the game, we simply advise you go ahead and assume Morata misses several open goals.

Elsewhere, football know-alls will flood WhatsApp groups with tidbits about Lamine Yamal, a player they first heard of 10 days ago and still incorrectly call ‘Yamine Lamal’.

France v Portugal

With his finishing currently as sharp as a bowling ball and moving with the freedom of a sloth made of quick drying concrete, Ronaldo is set to start up front for Portugal, with Roberto Martinez more likely to drop acid than drop the Saudi league star.

In an impactful political statement directly calling out recent French election results Mbappé has vowed to stick to the left wing for the entirety of the game.

As part of preparation for this game Ronaldo has repeatedly watched the Matthew McConaughey crying in Interstellar scene.

With France only scoring 3 goals so far, 1 penalty and 2 own-goals, manager Didier Deschamps is questioning whether his tactics are too adventurous.

In the event of a loss Ronaldo has instructed medics to prepare a saline drip filled with positive YouTube comments from unhinged teenage Ronaldo fans.

If you think repeated jabs at Ronaldo and his ego are old, spare a thought for Pepe who will become the first 60-year-old to play in a Euros quarter finals.

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