Medical Bill For Hospital Visit Now Arriving Faster Than Ambulance

A NEW probe into ambulance waiting times is set to examine why some casualties are now receiving their A&E bills while still lying on the ground waiting for emergency services to arrive.

“I was mid-heart attack on the street when a courier pulled up beside me and handed me the hospital bill,” said patient David Clarke. “Sure when I saw the total, I went straight into cardiac arrest again. When the ambulance finally arrived I told them to just leave me die, ta fuck.”

The HSE’s National Ambulance Service has confirmed an internal review has been launched into the delays, though officials acknowledged the review itself has been postponed due to funding mismanagement.

“When we do actually arrive on time, we often don’t have the necessary equipment and have to improvise,” said one paramedic, currently under investigation after allegedly removing a battery from an ambulance engine and jump-starting a patient back to life.

Last year’s worst-performing regions included HSE West and North West, as well as HSE Mid West, with some patients opting to dial 911 instead of 999.

“It’s a lot quicker for US paramedics to cross the Atlantic,” claimed Jimmy Roche from Mayo, who fell into a ditch while drunk walking home from his local pub one night. “The sirens sound better too. Gives the place a nice cool hip New York vibe.”

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