5 Ancient Irish Pagan Curses You Can Place On Czechia Players

MANY IRISH people are excited about Ireland’s upcoming clash with Czechia but how many are willing to get the finger out and help Troy Parrott and the boys gain an advantage?

This is where some basic Pagan curses can come in handy:

1. Get yourself to Brú na Bóinne (Newgrange for the uneducated) and with a mulch made from oak bark, sheep’s milk and a lock of hair from a descendant of Gráinne Mhaile; simply write the name of the Czech player you want to curse across your chest in blood before cleansing yourself in the mulch at sunrise.

Even if this just results in Tomáš Souček doing one foul throw, every little helps.

2. Really, how important is it to you that Ireland qualify for the World Cup? During the waxing crescent of the moon, which as luck would have it is tonight, you must bury your first born up to their neck in the earth with their face facing west. Their mouth must be filled with the ‘source of evil’ which in this case can just be a picture of Patrick Schick. Digging your child back up five minutes before kick off = a guaranteed one-nil lead.

3. In a cauldron boil milkweed, snail sperm and the liver of your enemy (we didn’t say cursing would be easy) and drink 6 spoonfuls at the 6th minute of the 6th hour. Repeating the phrase ‘may their muscles waste, their defeat make haste and their hearts break’ in between spoonfuls.

UPDATE: We’ve just double checked with our druid and the ‘liver of your enemy’ can be substituted with any Czech beer, supermarkets should stock Staropramen.

4. Not strictly a curse but just as effective – Google Czech curse words so those of you at the game can insult the players, hurting their feelings to the point that can’t focus because you called them a ‘moldy koláče’.

5. The Morrígan in Irish mythology is the goddess of battle and war and often appears depicted as a crow. You can already see where we’re going with this; using a humane net, catch 11 crows, train them to hate the Czech players by poisoning their crow minds with tales of Czech meanness to birds. Smuggle the crows into Prague and at kickoff, release the crows and watch on with pride as they peck out the eyes of the Czech team.