Ireland’s Criminals Asked To Be On Best Behaviour Now Gardaí Are All Needed For EU Presidency

WITH THE MAJORITY of the nation’s police force being seconded to cover security matters relating to Ireland hosting the European presidency, criminals in every county have been asked politely to ‘hold off’ and ‘be sound’, WWN can reveal.

“Yes, our resources are greatly depleted by this EU lark, and you’d be quicker waiting from a squad car to arrive from Australia when responding to a burglary or what have ya, but come on now lads, don’t be giving into stereotypes about criminals, don’t be taking advantage,” explained a statement from Garda Commissioner Justin Kelly, ahead of Ireland assuming the EU presidency on Wednesday.

A good behaviour stamp card has been issued to criminals, with each of them earning a stamp for every week they don’t commit a crime during the EU presidency which can be redeemed for a ‘free crime’ once it ends on December 31st.

“An unlocked car, an open back door to a house, unguarded farm machinery is tempting at the best of times but don’t be showing us up and letting everyone in Europe know what we all know; we’ve only enough manpower to watch a maximum of three traffic cones at the best of times,” added a spokesperson for the force.

The spokesperson then reported themselves to Fiosrú for misconduct after saying ‘manpower’.

“Shite that was wrong of me, the guards have plenty of female officers also focused on the EU presidency too to such an extent that much of the nation is more helpless than usual, ah God, why did I say that? We’re down one more officer now I’ll be suspended,” griped the spokesperson.

UPDATE: The public have been warned that were to see a squad car speeding along a rural road in the next few months it is in all likelihood joyriders raiding unoccupied garda stations.