New Mounjaro-Like Jab Shrinks People By 8,000% So Food Lasts Longer

STRUGGLING with the cost of living? Is your weekly food shop draining every last cent? Good news – scientists have announced a breakthrough Mounjaro-style jab that can reduce human body size by up to 8,000 percent, allowing your food shop to last longer than ever.

Researchers have reported astonishing results after shrinking 1,000 mice to microscopic size and feeding them a single crumb of cheese no larger than a fingernail.

“This is a game changer,” said lead researcher Dr Henrick Hummer, speaking to WWN. “Not only will it solve extortionate grocery prices, but the housing crisis too.”

If approved by the FDA, the jab would reduce humans to just 2–3cm in height, turning a standard three-bedroom home into a miniature village, and your average fridge into a giant supermarket.

“One slice of toast could feed an entire family for a week,” Dr Hummer explained.

However, Tesco CEO Ken Murphy warned the innovation would cripple the global food economy within weeks, stating supermarket chains would be forced to raise prices by 8,000 percent to help maintain profit margins.

“Not to mention the logistical nightmare of shopping with tiny people,” Murphy added. “Most shoppers won’t opt in. Plus we’ll have frequent aisle cleanups of people crushed like plums. Insurance premiums would become a nightmare.”

Dismissing the backlash as ‘classic Tescopoly talk’ Dr Hummer urged governments to offer the jab for free to everyone on social welfare.

“Minimising the poor and homeless brings a range of obvious benefits,” he said, without elaborating.

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