Tories To Be Put On First Flight To Rwanda


WITH NO words in the English language available to do justice to what political expets have described as being ‘fucked out it’, all that is left for the the UK’s ruling party for the last 14 years to do is board the next flight to Rwanda.

“By all accounts I hear it’s lovely,” confirmed one voter, reading directly from a Conservative Party pamphlet, outlining the public desire to never hear from the law-breaking, austerity-loving, billions-to-mates-in-government-contracts party again.

Suffering from a severe case of electile dysfunction, Rishi Sunak’s party has been left more hammered than a drunken Tory MP trying to feel up a parliamentary assistant, and losing more seats than chief deckchair arranger on the Titanic.

“We gave it our best, but sadly there are still some poor and disabled people alive despite all we tried to do to snuff them out,” a devastated looking Sunak said, who declined a flight to Rwanda as he has a US green card and hundreds of millions of pounds.

“Probably haunt some children, hand paint some baby seals with crude oil and then return to my nanny to suckle at her breast,” said man-trapped-in-a-Victorian-era-painting Jacob Rees Mogg when asked what his plans are now he’s lost his seat.

Elsewhere, UK voters confirmed an electoral system which hands Keir Starmer a landslide victory with roughly the same percentage of the votes that delivered a crushing defeat to Jeremy Corbyn in 2019 works just fine and needs no reform whatsoever.

Meanwhile, the BBC asked Reform UK leader Nigel Farage if he’d like to make daily appearances on TV for the next five years while the Green Party, who have the same number as seats as Reform, were told to ‘piss off’.