Government Jet Used To Repatriate Irish Hantavirus Cruise Passengers To Be Torched

A SWIFT decision taken in the best interests of the nation, the Department of Health has confirmed the government jet used to repatriate Irish citizens from the MV Hondius vessel beset by a Hantavirus outbreak is to be torched this afternoon.

“Obviously we’ve dipped it in a 500,000 litre vat of bleach first, but sadly this is the only option. The Taoiseach was in there in a Hazmat suit with the Cilit Bang earlier cleaning the place to the point you could eat your breakfast off the toilet bowl but we have to be realistic,” confirmed a Department of Health official of the €53 million Dassault Falcon 6x.

“We’d looked into setting the cruise passengers alight but apparently that’d be a big no-no legally speaking so this is the only other viable option to stop any potential spread”.

Not wanting to take ‘half measures’ some of the nation’s leading arsonists have been assembled to ensure the plane goes up in a fiery ball of flames, eliminating all possibility of people being infected with Hantavirus through additional use of the jet.

“You’d have wanted to see the faces on the young lads we gave day release from Oberstown, their eyes lit up when handed them a lighter and some fuel on the tarmac. And the Minister for Justice gave us the names of a few racists who haven’t met a hotel they didn’t want to torch, they are our back up team in case the first explosion doesn’t burn the plane sufficiently,” the official added.

Those fearing the knock on costs associated with replacing an only recently purchased jet have been told that cost efficiency is at the top of the agenda.

“Oh don’t worry, we’ve got our bike sheds guys all over that, we’ll have news on the final price a new jet shortly,” after government spokesperson reassured.