Tim Cook’s Battery Life Plummets Amid New CEO Announcement

REPORTS of outgoing Apple CEO Tim Cook beginning to having battery issues emerged mere minutes after he made the announcement that he would be stepping down as the head of tech giant after 15 years, WWN has learned.

“It came out of nowhere, his comments in yesterday’s meeting were taking longer to load in his brain, he had a nap at 1pm when he usually has his naps at 3.30pm,” explained one Apple employee, who said choosing alternative methods of recharging him, such as adding vitamin supplements to his diet, have had no impact.

Brightness settings on his skin dulling, lagging when opening doors or making coffee and occasionally freezing when asked to carry out multiple tasks, Cook’s output has fallen off a cliff but not everyone has expressed concern.

Rather than worrying, employees and customers alike took great comfort in knowing the entire Apple product range right up to its CEO have the same cynically timed performance issues.

“It’s a feature not a bug,” confirmed incoming CEO John Ternus, who had remotely altered Cook’s operating system to begin the degradation process, which means Cook, who could once function on just 5 hours of sleep, will soon need 12 hours just to be feel well-rested.

“We’re at the bleeding edge of innovation, and sometimes when you unveil a new CEO, the old one looks immediately outdated by comparison,” added Ternus, who revealed that in addition to removing the charging plug from new iPhone boxes, next year could see the box also arrive without the phone included.