GP Can See You In Four Months At The Earliest

LOCAL general practitioner Dr Mark Ryan can see you in four months at the earliest, but only for two ailments per visit, WWN has learned.

“If you have a third symptom I suggest you book a follow-up appointment. Time is money here, fella,” receptionist Mary Kate Holden explained, before placing WWN on hold for five minutes after being asked whether there was a cancellation list.

Such is demand for GP services that many doctors are now reportedly entering practices via elaborate tunnel systems to avoid being stopped on the street by desperate patients asking if their moles look dangerous.

“I just tell people I’m a busker,” Dublin GP Gerry Tobin told WWN, whose waiting list in Ranelagh has now reached nine months. “I’m not complaining about a hundred euro for a five-minute diagnosis, but these sick fucks never stop coming – I can’t even enjoy my money.”

“Give me your phone number and I’ll ring you once while you’re busy in work, then hang up and give the slot to someone else,” our receptionist returned to tell WWN, before reciting the number back incorrectly and abruptly ending the call.

With dozens of doctors retiring and no replacements coming through the system, many patients have resorted to diagnosing themselves via ChatGPT, creating additional strain on hospitals.

“So far we’ve had seven suspected rabies cases, twelve ebolas cases and 5,478 self-diagnosed ADHD patients attend A&E,” said Arkeen Hospital emergency nurse Tanya Lim. “Without GPs acting as a bottleneck for the hypochondriacs, we’re being absolutely hammered.”

Meanwhile, WWN can confirm it was only acid reflux and not throat cancer, as suspected by Google for the past three months.