Overwhelming Evidence Suggests The English Just Invented Football To Torture Ireland

FOOTBALL, which at first appears to be a sport happily played by billions of people across the globe, has far more sinister aims lurking in its murky underbelly, WWN can exclusively reveal.

“What is joy? I’ve never experienced it'” confirmed endless streams of supporters of the Irish men’s senior football team, as they exited a stadium in Prague last night, proving beyond doubt this ‘game’ is an elaborate mass-torture device.

Recently redacted British state papers reveal then prime minister Henry Temple encouraged the spread of organised football in 1863 as its infectious mix of thrilling hope paired with Irish people’s clumsy physiology would mean the Irish would be destined to be substandard practitioners of the skills necessary to triumph at it and would torture themselves trying to overcome their limitations.

“We have purposefully constructed this footed-ball concoction so the Fenian brute has not the skill to be the victor nor the brains to know better of it and abandoned kicking this cursed ball altogether,” Temple said at the time.

The state papers prove beyond doubt what many academics have been saying for years.

“Canada, the US, India, Australia, all shite at soccer too, there’s a pattern here that can’t be denied,” said one Irish football footballogist specialising in the field of heartache.

“A somewhat pleasing irony is the English hadn’t accounted for their own uselessness either so they suffer alongside the Irish but nowhere near on the same scale,” added the expert.

Meanwhile, supporters suffering from what medical professionals have called ‘the worst case of Stockholm Syndrome ever’ have declared “but I’ve a good feeling about 2030”.

Help us to continue taking the piss in these trying times by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE