Man Clutching 15 Cent Return Receipt Drops To Knees After Hearing Tanker With 1.4mn Litres Of Oil Sank Off Manila

A DEDICATED ego-warrior who sought to dull the planet-obliterating effects of rampant capitalism and Co2 emissions with his return of a 330ml can of Coca Cola was in the foetal position on the floor of his local Super Valu after learning an oil tanker carrying 1.4mn litres of oil has sunk off the coast of Manila.

“I really thought with this can return I’d tipped the balance in Mother Nature’s favour,” explained a distraught Michael Hubbard, at risk of drowning in his own tears as he lay prostrate on the floor of the household cleaning aisle.

The motor tanker Terra Nova capsized off the province of Bataan in the Philippines early this morning and if there is an extensive spillage the threat to the region and its conservation efforts which protects turtles and bird life could be significant.

“This stuff seriously makes me question why I don’t just fuck the cans in the normal bin,” a weary Hubbard said, mournfully claiming his 15 cent refund after being helped back on his feet by fellow shoppers.

Appreciating the damage Typhoon Gaemi has caused already in the Philippines, Hubbard still felt it was worth pointing out he had driven 15 minutes to his local supermarket to claim his refund.

“The one they had down in the Spar wasn’t even fecking working, so it was more like 19 minutes, absolute ballache” offered Hubbard, whose willingness to do his bit for the climate was evaporating away to nothing.