Coalition Deny They’re Going To Use €8.3bn Bribe To Bribe Voters


THE COALITION government has confirmed in its Summer Economic Statement the additional €8.3 billion in budget funding they have found to bribe the electorate ahead of a general election, via a tax surplus, is not a bribe.

“Despite outlining €1.4bn of the funding will be used for tax cuts, a bribe is the last thing this is,” said Minister for Finance Jack Chambers, as he jumped the queue in your local to pay for a round for everyone.

“I’ve said the phrases ‘this isn’t a giveaway budget’, ‘it will be balanced’ so c’mon guys, trust me we aren’t going to call an election after dangling a nice budget carrot,” said Chambers as he threw €50 notes attached to ‘Vote FF’ leaflets out the sunroof of his ministerial car.

Breaching their own National Spending Rule which is supposed to limit annual spending increases to 5% and going against the advice of the Irish Fiscal Advisory Council and the ERSI to avoid ‘giveaway’ spending, the coalition insisted “ah yeah, bollocks to that”.

“Don’t ask me, I’m just here to make sure Jack doesn’t lose the entire budget in a crypto scam,” insisted Minister for Expenditure Pashcal Donohoe, grasping at Chambers’ hand as the Fianna Fáil man tapped the State’s credit card on every SumUp contactless register within a five mile radius.

As part of the bribe, €1.5bn in additional funding will be given to the HSE to throw into a black hole of their own choosing.

Elsewhere, a petition for the €8.3bn surplus to be spent on new rail lines and Luas outside Dublin has reached one signature, while a rival petition asking for an extra fiver back in tax cuts have been signed by €1.2mn voters.