New Range Of Fartless Cattle Launched To Cut CO2 Emissions

A NEW range of cattle genetically incapable of emitting gas has been launched as part of a sweeping EU directive aimed at reducing agricultural carbon emissions, WWN has learned.

Developed over a decade and approved by Brussels last month, the new breed has a maximum lifespan of three years, after which slaughter is required due to dangerously high internal gas accumulation.

The cattle have been engineered with a modified digestive system that traps wind from all four of their stomachs and stores it in a specially developed internal gas sack, which gradually inflates over the animal’s lifetime.

“Basically they’ll explode after four years, so we slaughter them at three to be safe,” explained the head of the project, Dr. Harold Heiffenberg, speaking from a research facility in the Netherlands.

Upon slaughter, the gases are extracted via a specially designed vacuum and recycled into the slaughterhouse’s own energy supply, powering the plant that processes the animal.

“Using the cows’ own farts to power the mechanisms needed to slaughter the cow will reduce emissions by approximately 60%,” Heiffenberg added, declining to comment on reports that several of the test cows expanded so much they began floating into the sky.

However, the development is not expected to affect the price of beef, the cost of carbon tax, or indeed the price of anything else.

“Are you joking us?” a government spokesperson asked, when pressed on whether the savings might be passed on to consumers. “None of these green initiatives will ever reduce your bills. Sure, most of our electricity in Ireland is generated by wind turbines and we’ve the dearest in the world. Keep dreaming.”