God Admits Biggest Regret Was Sending Prophets With Wildly Conflicting Ideals To Earth

In a rare and exclusive interview with mortals, God, the Almighty Father and creator of the entire universe, has finally broken his silence on his biggest regrets and also offered a brief, if cryptic, glimpse into the future of mankind over the next millennium.

“I suppose I should start with a humble apology,” began the 15-billion-year-old deity, rubbing his temple in frustration, clearly dreading the hindsight he was about to unleash. “I’ve been a terrible father,” he sighed, holding up a hand to stop this reporter’s interruption. “No, I know what you’re going to say – and thanks for trying to humour me – but I fucked up.”

Taking a moment to crack open a can of Lilt, God downed it in one go before exhaling with satisfaction. “Taww. Can’t believe ye discontinued this. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes – the mess I created.”

“C’mere, I’m really sorry about the whole prophet thing. Abraham, Jesus, Muhammad, Taylor Swift… there’s so many now I can’t even remember their names. All good lads – don’t get me wrong – but their wildly different ideas and teachings? Total disaster in hindsight. Like circumcision – lol – must’ve been a few drinks in me that night,” he added, miming a drinking gesture.

Listing what he called his “dumbass rules,” God grimaced as his phone buzzed repeatedly with prayer notifications.

“I should really get around to answering those. Okay, I’ll just say it now: eat pork, eat shellfish, sleep with whoever you want. I really don’t care. My whole goal here was to trap as many of you on this rock hurtling through space as possible and get you to worship me – with a tidy little revenue stream on the side. Think of it like a soul farm. Once I hit 10 billion, I can sell you off or swapsie for a better planet. It’s how us Gods pass the time. A bit of craic.”

When quizzed, God declined to elaborate further on that last point. Instead, he simply laughed, shook his head in quiet pity, and concluded: “Can you just tell everyone I’m sorry for all the turmoil and that? It’s been eating me up for ages. But don’t worry – it’ll all be over soon. Later, dudes. God out.”