White House Mortician Says Touch Ups Of Trump Nothing To Worry About

THE WHITE HOUSE’S official mortician has urged the media to refrain from idle speculation, insisting the recent touch ups he administered to president Donald Trump were ‘routine’, WWN can reveal.

“You should be celebrating our leader turning 80 years of age, not commenting on his formaldehyde intake, do better,” mortician Gregory Gaines told the media.

Gaines spoke of his close friendship with Trump, which blossomed since being appointed official mortician for his second term.

“I love our work dynamic, the president is so invested and involved in the embalming, actually it’s funny, I once caked on foundation on his decaying hand that was a shade too pale and boy did I hear about it haha, ‘satsuma orange’ he shouted, ‘it’s gotta be satsuma orange'” offered Gaines, giving the public an insight into the normally secret working practices of the WHM.

“Dead, dying, or decaying skin doesn’t bother, other people might have those hang ups if they were in my position, but his ice cold to touch skin and his deathly pale pallor, that’s just Donald to me at this point,” Gaines added.

While Gaines is delighted to be playing such a key role in the presentation of the president on the occasion of his 80th birthday, he says his role in White House means other staff aren’t the friendliest.

“People run from death, they see me coming and they associate me with the president and by extension his certain decay and disintegration, but I wish they’d see the good I’m doing; a little patching up here, a little cement plaster over an open crevice, some strategic glue on the hairline. Without me, that solid gold casket propped up in the corner would be 6th feet under already, but like I said, Donald’s doing great”.