Belfast Rioters To Be Deported To UK Mainland

THE BRITISH government has confirmed that a number of Loyalist rioters arrested following disturbances in Belfast this week will face one of the harshest sentences available under United Kingdom law: deportation to the UK mainland.

The move, described by Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood as “firm but fair,” will see convicted individuals removed from Northern Ireland and relocated to the country they’ve spent the better part of their lives insisting they’re living in.

“They’re coming home. They’re coming home. Loyalist paramilitary-adjacent groups are coming home,” Mahmood sang, before announcing the deportations.

The riots were sparked by a horrific knife attack in which a Sudanese migrant attempted to behead a local man before being sidelined by a brave bystander with a hurley. Masked men claiming to be “getting the foreigners out” were subsequently seen kicking in doors and windows of Belfast homes, attacking supermarkets and setting vehicles ablaze across the city.

“With over 140 daily knife crimes and at least one fatality per day on the mainland, we hope to desensitise our homesick Loyalist sons with the harsh realities that this is a chronic issue in the UK,” Mahmood added. “We eat attempted beheadings here for breakfast.”

“We just wanted to address the migrant issue by responding with pure unadulterated racism – kicking in random people’s doors and basically terrorising the entire city,” one rioter told WWN. “Sure we could probably riot every night if we were to react every time a violent crime was committed, but most of those are carried out by our own and doesn’t fit our narratives.”

The deportations announcement has been met with considerable confusion among the Loyalist community, several members of which expressed surprise that loving Britain so much could result in actually being sent there.