Irish Fan In Coma Since Before Start Of USA ’94 Receives Devastating News After Finally Coming To

“NO NEVERMIND the medical bills Gavin, who gives a shit about that, millions in medical debt will feel like the least of your worries when you hear this next bit”

The family of a now 60-year-old man who went to New Jersey in 1994 aged 28 to see Ireland play Italy only to be placed in a coma as a result of a prolific drinking session combined with intense sunstroke the night before have shared how hard it was to break devastating news to him.

“Yes Gavin, the World Cup is on the US, I know it’s confusing, 32 years in a coma and the World Cup is on, but it’s a new one love,” Gavin Nyland’s 83-year-old Bernadette shared with, skirting the big issue at hand.

Relieved to be conscious and safe in the company of loved ones, Gavin joked ‘any tickets going for the Ireland matches’ sucking the air right out of the room and forcing the descent of dark clouds.

“Fuck it, I’ll come out and say it, we beat Italy 1-0, Ray Houghton – boom but we are chronically, terminally shit at soccer, barely a peep since, not a single Paddy has sold their car or raided the Credit Union, they’re all at home working away as normal” Nyland’s brother Martin blurted out after flying in from Waterford overnight.

So devastated was he by the news that he missed out on an iconic Irish sporting moment and more importantly that Ireland are ‘muck’ these days that the patient immediately tried to down 18 Guinnesses in an attempt to place himself straight back in his coma.

“Not in it? But we’ve qualified for two in a row, we’re becoming regulars, European giants, how did Jack let it get this bad,” reasoned Gavin as he ripped his still in tacked cheap polyester USA ’94 promotional jersey.

“We’re so bad we have a dentist in charge now? You’re messing with my head, surely?” said Gavin as he made a beeline for the 5th floor window in his room.