“We Can’t Just Click Our Fingers And Act On A 6-Year-Old Pay Review” HSE Tells Paramedics

SHOCKED to learn that people who have been saving lives are now looking to be paid accordingly on the back of a pay review that is only 6 years old, the HSE has responded with the following statement.

“Seriously, we can’t just click our fingers in the space of six short years and give you what you was outlined in an independent review in 2020,” the official response stated, careful not to mention the unforgettable work paramedics did during the pandemic. “This is the HSE. Everything we do is put on a waiting list. Even the pay bumps for our own employees.*”

*This wait does not apply to HSE executives.

The HSE added that it had engaged ‘intensively’ and offered a pay deal in 2025. However, members rejected it, as the deal asked paramedics to accept new work practices, including reducing the minimum crew on an ambulance from two paramedics to one paramedic and a less qualified technician, in exchange for a little bump in pay.

“Why anyone would object to a pay rise in exchange for shittier hours and worse working conditions is beyond us,” the HSE added. “Surely they realise the only people this would affect are the patients at the end of the day.”

The 2020 review found that paramedics had transformed the older ambulance service from a ‘patient transport model’ into ‘a modern pre-hospital emergency care service’, acquiring additional qualifications in order to administer drugs and treat patients at accident scenes, referred to professionally as “you know, all that life saving stuff”.

“Can they just not be happy with all the experience they’ve gotten over the last decade or so? You can’t buy that kind of exposure,” the HSE later pointed out.

Meanwhile, the Taoiseach described the situation as ‘not satisfactory’, conveniently not outlining for exactly who.