WWN Previews: England v Slovakia

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IT’S the most anticipated football match since Ireland’s 1-0 epic against Malta in November 2022, England’s last 16 game against Slovakia is almost here.

WWN Sports casts its eye over the game which no one can deny, given the form England bring into it, is marginally more tantalising a prospect than a taser to the testicles.

BBC and ITV have previewed the game by confirming it will be fun beating Switzerland or Italy in the quarter finals.

What we know:

Geographically challenged England fans have asked UEFA why they have to play Slovakia again just days after their Group C match.

Playing football as attractive as Nigel Farage posing on page 3 of The Sun, England will have to grind their way to victory against a Slovakian side more defensive than a Reform Party candidate’s ‘I’m sorry I was caught on camera being very racist but’ apology statement.

Southgate faces increasing unhinged calls from the media to make several big changes to his line up including dropping Harry Kane, adding Toni Kroos to the midfield and bringing Princess Di back to life.

In a desperate attempt to avoid being put in the starting line up, Anthony Gordon threw himself off a bike.

Phil Foden has been criticised for flying home for the birth of his third child and not taking fans desperate to avoid being subjected to another England with him.

There’s more pressure on Jude Bellingham than the wreckage of the SeaGate submersible.

The tactical battle is a clear one for the English tabloids; blame one of the black players in the event of crashing out.

If you think US voters have it bad having to choose between Joe Biden and Donald Trump, just remember Kieran Trippier remains Southgate’s only viable option at left-back.

Some handy phrases to know in Slovak:

Maggie Thatcherová bude jesť hovno v pekle = Maggie Thatcher eats shit in hell.

Oggy oggy oggy oi oi oi = Oggy oggy oggy oi oi oi.

Potrebujeme, aby Lampard, Scholes a Gerrard spolupracovali v strede poľa = We need Lampard, Scholes and Gerrard to work together in midfield.

Whatever happens, one thing is for sure in this competition; if England don’t improve they’ll be thrown out quicker than Tommy Robinson on a visit to Canada.

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