Things Keir Starmer Is Less Popular Than

BELEAGUERED British PM Keir Starmer remains in place, clinging onto power before his inevitable demise.

With popular party rival and leadership hopeful Andy Burnham planning a run for an MP seat vacated in Manchester, Starmer’s numbers in opinion polls continue to plummet to the point he is less popular with the British public than the following:

Brushing your teeth with shit.

Contracting Hantavirus directly through rat intercourse.

Stubbing your toe on a coffee table. Twelve consecutive times. Each time more severe. Now you’ve lost your big toe. You begin stubbing the toes on your other foot. It never ends.

Prince Andrew.

Southampton FC’s coaching staff/amateur spy network.

Putting down your beloved family pet.

Acid rain on your wedding day.

Zach Polanksi with the Daily Mail.

Being ghosted on dating apps right when you start to believe it might be different this time.

Feeding David Attenborough to crocodiles as a thank you for all his good work.

The bulbous parasitic sack of defective matter that lives inside the skull of Nigel Farage and operates his corruption impulse.

Vomit-dipped Bovril.

Not Wes Streeting in fairness.

Leukemia in children.

Kneecap’s new album on the British charts.

Secretly adding an additional charge of ‘terrorism’ to the conviction of four Palestine Action activists after they were found guilty solely of criminal damage by a jury and hiding this fact from the jury which partook in the trial while also preventing the media from reporting on this fact.

Malnutrition in kittens.

Being stuck on a tube made up entirely of sweaty armpits during a heatwave.