Handy: Local Man’s Exorbitant Health Insurance Covers Him For Fuck All


REVIEWING his outgoings in a bid to cut down on unnecessary expenses amid a cost of living crisis that just won’t quit, local man Ciaran Scatten was relieved to discover he is paying through the nose for the worst health insurance plan in the known universe.

Burning as much as €125 a month, Scatten’s health cover includes amazing benefits such as the right to pay full price for everything and never getting any money back on anything.

“Where it should list ‘excess you pay’ it just says ‘even Jeff Bezos’ bank balance can’t help you’,” a confused Scatten said, reviewing his policy’s T&Cs.

Scatten’s provider Better Off Dead’s Deluxe Health Mega package is the entry level health plan, something Scatten can barely afford at the minute but the Cork man remains haunted by the thoughts of not having coverage if disaster struck.

“No, it’s still handy to have because you never know when you’re going to need to skip waiting lists, pay a consultant €600 and then be told you’re owed precisely zero euro back by your insurance crowd. You can’t put a price on that level of peace of mind,” said Scatten, of the company which minds a significant piece of his income via monthly direct debits.

“Why don’t you research the market and change provider,” said a friend of Scatten’s, being incredibly unhelpful.

Elsewhere, the health insurance industry has sent the world’s largest bouquet of flowers to the HSE as a token of their appreciation for instilling a chronic fear in the public about ever having to rely on the public health service.