“If We Go Anti-Immigrant It’ll Be Very Left Wing & Progressive”

MARY LOU MCDONALD has reassured voters that have gravitated to Sinn Féin in recent years that any attempts to coax intolerant anti-immigration voters with a new ‘immigration policy’ will be done in a very progressive manner.

“It’ll be inclusive, very LGBTQ forward thinking type stuff if and when we scapegoat immigrants at all, all relevant rejections letters will have rainbow flags and the correct pronouns,” said McDonald remaining coy on if Sinn Féin will fully embrace courting racists in earnest now they’ve dropped a few points in the polls.

“We’d continue to condemns scenes like we’ve witnessed in Coolock in the strongest terms, while dropping in an old ‘no open borders’ and ‘Ukrainians are the good refugees but’ into the conversation here and there,” added McDonald, outlining the careful language that will serve as a nod and a wink to those with strong anti-immigrant views.

With the new policy unveiled today having less detail than pixelated genitalia in a Japanese adult video, devastating allegations have been levelled at Sinn Féin from which they may never recover.

“Isn’t this basically the same as current government policy?” observed one voter, who wasn’t aware that being likened to Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael was a thousand times more damaging than being found with Shergar’s skull hung over your fireplace.

Sensing that some feel the much vaunted fresh take on immigration policy is merely an attempt to gain some media coverage and easy PR points, Sinn Féin were left scrambling in a bid to win over those wavering voters.

“Look, as evidenced by this new policy, we’re not all that pushed on sticking to our principles. Just tell us what you want and we’ll say we agree; it’s affordable housing for a fiver, isn’t it?” a panicked member of the Sinn Féin press team shouted into the void.