Man Emerges From Winter Cocoon Eating Last Share Bag Of Crisps, Squinting At Sun


SATISFIED that the evenings are once again sufficiently bright enough for him to be seen out in, a squinting assemblage of limbs that vaguely resemble local man Aaron Kilbride have emerged from a self-imposed winter hibernation.

Committed to once again interact with fellow human beings Kilbride, armed with an empty family-sized packet of crisps and shielding his eyes from a bright-to-him grey skyline, is filled with a renewed vigor and openness.

“I vow to be outdoors more, I shall take up the challenge of ‘doing things’ and ‘socialising’,” declared Kilbride to no one in particular as he patted himself on the back for venturing outside for the first time since the end of December 2023 for something other than essential food supplies.

“I am a man of action, hills will be walked provided the incline isn’t too severe, sunsets will be witnessed, I will dress with dignity again,” continued Kilbride, wearing a t-shirt with 27 unique and unidentified food stains on it.

The 31-year-old, who privately admitted to himself he can’t go on living this way, was commended for his courage in embracing an active lifestyle once more with his pilgrimage to his local cinema where he sat in the dark for 3 hours while eating popcorn.

“Maybe I’ll start training for a triathlon,” offered Kilbride, whose exercise levels will peak on a hot summer’s day when he tries a lot on in the fitting room of a Next and sweats profusely before becoming lightheaded.