DECIMATED by the coronavirus lockdown, the nation’s career criminals have come out in force to ask the general public if they could leave at least one or two items of value in their garden sheds in a bid to keep them ticking over during the crisis. Unable to avail of government grants, burglars said they’re… Read more »
THE pampered and spoiled snowflake generation of Ireland is stocking up on avocados and poetry recitals ahead of their next bitterly tough recession, during which they’re expected to do nothing except bitch and whine, WWN can report. Defined as anyone born between 1980 and 1994, but actually used as an insult for anyone under the… Read more »
RESEARCHING for hours to find the most accessible, but remotest place in their vicinity, the Ryan family set out on their mission to outdo just about every other family on social media with their extreme version of social distancing. “Make sure to bring all the phone chargers; we don’t want to be in the middle… Read more »
A COUNTY Waterford woman has broken her silence today after spending almost a minute debating with herself as to what day of the week it is, forcing her to expel words of a similar nature to her closest family members. Janet Regan, a 44-year-old mother of two who up until now has been in reasonably… Read more »
SPECIAL laws have been put into place by the government to extend ‘Mother’s Day’ into a month-long event, much like the Queen’s Jubilee or Shark Week, WWN can confirm. With the current Coronavirus lockdown grounding families across the country, families have been ordered to pamper and praise their mammies on a daily basis until further… Read more »
GRANDPARENTS up and down the country have admitted to being secretly delighted with strict advice being given by authorities in a bid to combat the Covid-19 virus, WWN can confirm. Usually the go-to babysitter of choice, parents of parents relished in the fact they could remain in solitude for months without ever having to take… Read more »
QUIETLY whisper-shouting a celebratory ‘yes’ to themselves under their breath, the world’s introverts, along with those who suffer from varying degrees of social anxiety, are delighting in the havoc being wreaked by Covid-19 on social gatherings both big and small. “Oh God, this is better than sex,” confirmed one introvert as she poured over the… Read more »
A CONGLOMERATE of male observers have confirmed that a local woman driving a 2020 Audi A7 must have a very rich husband and will probably scratch ‘the absolute bejaysis’ out of the car’s 21″ alloys, WWN has learned. The woman, who was probably on the way to pick up the kids from school or getting… Read more »
MOTORISTS travelling around the Tramore area have been asked to be on high alert this afternoon after a middle-aged woman has been spotted walking her dog on the road, while she calmly walks on the footpath, WWN can confirm. Local gardaí are asking the general public to contact them immediately if they see the woman,… Read more »
A COUNTY Waterford man who has managed to abstain from drinking for two whole days has confirmed he has never felt better, and if everyone could follow his example that would be great. Dermot Ryan, recently christened a ‘fucking hero’ by friends, began divulging the benefits of his 49 hours, 32 minutes and 43 seconds… Read more »
