“Don’t Worry, I’m a Great Driver,” Insists Young Lad Unaware Of All The Other Terrible Drivers On The Road

SICK of being told to ‘drive safe’ every time he leaves the family home, local young lad Liam Dalton has reassured his concerned parents that he is, in fact, an excellent driver.

“I know these roads like the back of my hand at this stage,” said the 19-year-old student, confidently citing his two full years of driving experience. “I don’t need to be told to drive safe every time. If anything, it just makes me want to do the opposite, so relax, mam, will ya?”

Dalton, who has yet to fully grasp the concept that every journey involves other road users with wildly different skill levels, reaction times and levels of sobriety, dismissed suggestions that his driving could ever contribute to his own roadside memorial in a country already struggling to find space for them.

“As long as I stay on my side of the road, there’s nothing to worry about,” he explained, having never encountered a driver on the wrong side of the road, a stray animal, a broken-down car or an unlit obstacle waiting patiently on one of Ireland’s many poorly lit roads.

“Well if someone is that bad at driving, they shouldn’t be on the road in the first place,” Dalton added naively, unaware that two cars travelling at 50km/h towards each other results in a head-on collision and almost certain death.

Despite his reassurances, family members have confirmed they will continue to say ‘drive safe’ until he eventually learns what it actually means, either through a close call or tragedy.