Local Woman Has Encyclopedic Knowledge Of All GAA Wives & Girlfriends

A LOCAL WOMAN has confirmed she has unwittingly gathered enough knowledge on the wives and girlfriends of GAA players to fill several volumes of an encyclopaedia, WWN can reveal.

“I don’t want this knowledge, I don’t even think I sought it out necessarily but it’s there. I can’t dislodge it, some random half-forward who only played a handful of times for Clare? His girlfriend is mad for the TikToks and pushing her doggy grooming/nail bar business. I’m following her, but why? I don’t know,” a pained Rachel Curmallen said, as she struggled to comprehend her comprehension of GAA wives and girlfriends.

“You don’t think I want to erase that info and replace it with the basic tenets of some financial literacy or I dunno, the capital of Bolivia? I’m scrolling and these accounts just talk about these people like I should know who they are, so then I watch and read the posts because maybe I am supposed know who they are? But then it turns out it’s the Kerry hurling team’s worst player’s on/off girlfriend who does a bit on TikTok” Curmallen added, a prisoner of her own bad scrolling habits.

Unable to recall key details from her own day, hazy on the birthdays of loved ones and unsure of her current responsibilities in work, Curmallen is speaking out in the hopes that there are other people out there who also have no idea why they know the things they know.

“Wanna hear the sickest part? I haven’t watched a full half of a GAA match since 2010, camogie? Not really my thing either,” Curmallen said, nearly breaking down in tears.

Elsewhere, a number of online publications have criticised Curmallen’s candid sharing of her self-described ‘useless’ preoccupation.

“Do you know how many jobs are created and supported by the mindlessly scrolling through the ‘half-famous-by-one-degree-of-separation people’s lives’ industry in Ireland? You shut your mouth or this entire house of cards comes crashing down,” warned a spokesperson for a ‘these people aren’t really famous but it’s too late to admit it now’ publication.

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