Man Embarks On Treacherous Expedition To Retrieve Car Left Outside Local

BRAVING the elements with the solemn focus of a mountaineer preparing to tackle a Himalayan gorge, hungover local man Barry Ryan donned his winter jacket, gloves and skiing glasses before taking one final breath of stale alcohol lingering in his bedroom and exiting his home.

“Doing the walk of shame now lol,” Ryan texted the Lads Ibiza Trip ’21 WhatsApp group, a ritual update as old as time itself designed to reassure all parties that he is still capable of basic motor functions, despite his ageing, dehydrated 32-year-old frame.

Questioning his own legal ability to operate a motor-propelled vehicle, Ryan asked the group how long alcohol takes to leave the system, further cementing the fact that he was about to retrieve the car he abandoned the night before as if it were some kind of heroic rescue mission involving miners trapped down a shaft.

“Glad I stayed away from those shots…” he began typing, before retching mid-walk as memories of the Jägerbomb encore at closing time resurfaced, prompting him to delete the message and expel a Red Bull-flavoured burp.

Approaching his vehicle with the caution of an African tiger sizing up its prey, Ryan opted to continue walking as another car passed, keen to avoid any suggestion that he might be engaged in a discreet recovery operation.

“Can’t be too careful. Could be one of the neighbours,” he reasoned, before executing a rapid U-turn to avoid any more eyewitnesses.

“Balls. The fucking windscreen,” Ryan screamed internally upon realising the glass was completely fogged, condemning him to at least five full minutes of sitting inside the car while reliving every decision that led him to this particular moment in time.