Local Man Aware He’s Aged Horribly, Thanks

COUNTY Waterford man James Keegan says he is fully aware that he has aged horribly over the last ten years and would appreciate it if everyone could kindly stop reminding him.

Approaching WWN last week, the 52-year-old asked if this publication could run a piece to finally address the issue and put it to rest for his so-called friends and family.

“I just want to say that yes, I do look at myself in the mirror every day and yes, I have aged quite quickly. This is what happens when time passes,” Keegan explained, looking fairly shook if we’re honest as we interviewed him at his home in Passage East.

Referencing something he read about called ‘age bursts’ a recent study suggested humans age in two dramatic leaps at 44 and again at 60, Keegan said he was sick of friends who aged better than him pointing out his wrinkled face, expanding stomach and greying, receding hairline.

“Seriously, look it up. It’s a thing,” Keegan insisted, just as we showed him a bald spot forming at the back of his head that he had not yet noticed.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Look, I’m not a celebrity. I don’t care if I’m ageing. Just stop pointing it out all the time, okay?” he said, obviously lying and in deep denial as he attempted to pass off his decrepit head as natural ageing and not some kind of underlying undiagnosed illness.

“No, I don’t drink every day… or smoke. Why are you asking?” Keegan added, now visibly upset at our line of questioning despite having asked this publication to cover his withered features in a story.

“Yeah, cheers. I’ll look into it,” he muttered in response to some basic moisturising suggestions, treating them as personal attacks, before revealing that he does not have grandkids or any children at all and abruptly asking us to leave.

We design & sell funny t-shirts, mugs, hoodies and more to help keep the lights on. Check them out here www.waterfordwhispers.shop