Man Shatters Entire Skeleton After Using Temu Massage Gun
AN IRISH MAN required over a dozen emergency surgeries after trusting the proficiency of a heavily discounted massage gun he ordered from Chinese retailer Temu, WWN can reveal.
“These are injuries so severe I have never encountered them before in my 25 years of practising medicine and never wish to see the like of it again,” shared Dr David Kingsley, spinal specialist at St Vincent’s hospital.
Seeking relief from intense muscle discomfort after an F45 class, Waterford man Seanie Power pointed his Temu purchased massage gun, with its 164 different nozzle pieces, to the back of his calf muscle before disaster struck.
“It had a mind of its own, poor Seanie’s teeth began chattering before shattering into a million pieces, then all I heard was the sound of breaking bones,” Power’s wife Pamela explained, “we didn’t even get a chance to try it out together but I’ll have to give it a whirl later”.
Pamela instantly sprang into action and called the emergency services, who transported Power by several different helicopters to St Vincent’s University Hospital in Dublin.
“At first we presumed he was beaten with baseball bats by an angry mob of 100 thugs, who then in their mania commandeered a steam roller from a nearby construction site and rolled over the patient before then having a competition over who could fit his mangled body into the smallest suitcase which they would throw down a particularly steep hill, but alas the damage was done by the ‘mega turbo mode’ on a massage gun,” added Dr Kingsley.
“It probably didn’t help that the massage apparatus was made entirely from asbestos,” concluded Dr. Kingsley, who confirmed Power would make 4.35% of a full recovery.
As a result of the severe injuries incurred by Power, a 32-year-old fitness enthusiast, EU regulators have confirmed ‘ah, what can you do?’ before urging people purchasing dodgy products to test them on loved ones first in a bid to avoid causing themselves harm.
Help us to continue taking the piss in these trying times by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE