Revealed: Our Hospital Waiting List Blackspots

A NEW report into hospital waiting times has revealed that where you live in Ireland can determine how soon you are treated, kind of, WWN reports.

The report, which pinpoints blackspot areas across the 26 counties, has left very little areas untouched, forcing the HSE to subsequently release areas where hospital waiting lists are not an issue.

“If you’re on a waiting list and you live in the waters of the Atlantic, Celtic or Irish sea then you’ve a good chance of been seen to in the next 5 years,” a HSE spokesperson confirmed, squinting at the black dot riddled map of Ireland in a bid to find anywhere else not in a black spot area, “nope, that’s about it, everywhere else is screwed, basically”.

The waiting lists, which were a long-standing issue before the pandemic, have now evolved into third world levels of health care, with some patients travelling to Africa in a bid to be seen to by a specialist.

“I said we’d be faster cycling to Ethiopia for my 9-year-old son’s scoliosis surgery,” explained one desperate father, now on his way back with his teenage son on the crossbar after a successful operation, “we set off in June 2019 and were seen to just last week. Incredible the level of care here. Really impressed. We should be home in time to cancel his place in the HSE waiting list later this year”.

Despite its ever-increasing budget year-on-year, a legacy of underfunding, poor management and governance alongside a lack of beds, specialist healthcare workers and staff redeployment to pandemic care has all taken its toll on the Irish health care system, leaving it almost obsolete, except for one thing.

“But look at all the lives we saved from Covid by parking all the other health care for two years,” a spokesperson concluded, before being consumed by an angry mob.