Lower Your Cost Of Living By Living Less: A Guide

ARE you feeling the pinch in recent months? Have you noticed that your current account is getting emptier quicker than it normally does? You’re not imagining things, the soaring cost of living is impacting us all with rising energy and food prices eating away at savings while stagnating wages fail to be any help at all.

But it’s not all doom and gloom, you can combat the rising costs with the government’s upcoming ‘Cut Your Cloth’ initiative, which includes guidelines such as:

Sleep more

Being awake is expensive. It requires light (to see things) and heat (to be warm), as well as electricity (to watch telly), and food (to eat). According to the government, you can combat all of these issues by simply going to bed earlier, much earlier. Preferably 3-4 hours earlier.

Buy one good duvet, you won’t even need to put the heating on. Better still, you’ll be fresh and rested the next day, to let you work harder – this might even lead to an extra shift or two, to further help with offsetting the crisis!

Retire at 68, die at 75

A lot of people stress out about how the rising cost of living will affect them after retirement. A simple solution to this is to maximise the amount of time you spend working, and limit the amount of time you remain alive afterwards.

A government study shows that by reducing your lifespan from 85 to 75 means you will have ten whole years that you don’t have to worry about paying for; no rent, no food, no heat, no bills (except funeral bills).

There’s no outline as to how someone switches off like clockwork at 75, although it’s suggested that not having money for food or heat will help accomplish this in most cases.

Toughen the fuck up

Almost all issues involved with the rise in the cost of living can be offset by not being a little bitch about it, the study shows. Hungry? You could do with losing a few pounds anyway. Cold? Jog on the spot. Can’t afford to put petrol in the car? Walk. Kids need medicine? Study apothecary.

Haven’t got enough money for rent? Work more. The cold hard fact of the matter is that once prices go up, they don’t come back down. You see any bags of crisps for 20p anywhere lately? No. ‘This is how it is these days, and if you can’t hack it then that’s just tough shit’, the closing paragraph reads.