LOCAL busybody Ciaran Caul is so besotted with the anxiety filled thrill gifted to him by the Covid-19 pandemic, it is becoming increasing clear he wants this seismic disruption to normality to continue until the end of time. “You know the way after this amount of time, you do others the kindness of not throwing… Read more »
“NOW just seems the motherfucking time for some discreet, polite communication in my roles and my life, aw shit ain’t that a motherfucker! I’ve done it again,” a frustrated Jackson explains as he reset his ‘it’s been X minutes since my last motherfucker’ timer back to zero. Evidently it’s early days but Jackson is confident… Read more »
REMARKING on the news that US president Joe Biden intends to withdraw US troops from Afghanistan by the 20th anniversary of 9/11, clear-eyed observers concluded the Middle Eastern country must be out of oil, heroin or lucrative construction contracts. “Actually we went into Iraq for oil, completely different pointless never-ending war you ignorant idiots,” explained… Read more »
“MAYBE the military shut off the internet there to make it near impossible for people to spread word of massacres and violence… or maybe Myanmar is actually getting along famously and we can just ignore it all,” confirmed a statement from a who’s who of international leaders as incomprehensible violence is carried out against the… Read more »
GOD has had to remind himself several times this week that he’s dealing with a very wealthy, very rich, very old individual in the case of Prince Philip, who wandered through the pearly gates on Friday wondering loudly ‘if Jesus had been on the sunbeds’. “Why do you think I left him on Earth for… Read more »
HAVING just been made aware of one ‘sophisticated’ scam involving people being asked for their bank details, those on welfare have been alerted to a second, more serious scam which reportedly involves the Department of Social Welfare telling people there’s plenty of jobs out there. “Whether it’s someone on jobseekers or even on the PUP,… Read more »
“HI, I’M just weighing up re-entering public life in a big way, and sort of, I suppose, canvassing opinion… is the pig-fuckery still very much a ‘David Cameron’ association? “I’m not implying that if it is a case of ‘oh Davey Cameron, isn’t that Lord Pigfucker?’ it would somehow put an end to my reemerging,… Read more »
FRESH from recent ‘disturbances’ in Loyalist communities ‘up north’ WWN’s resident self-appointed Northern Ireland expert, Dublin native Paddy Fenton, believes he has unearthed easy remedies to the interminable problem that is Northern Ireland. “Oh what are they like,” teased Fenton, grinning the sort of grin only a man who has ‘solved’ Northern Ireland could. “I’m… Read more »
“OH the limp? No, no, I’ve always had it. Old football injury,” insisted local man Mark Farrell under polite inquiry from concerned friends who couldn’t help but notice his constant grimacing amid the carrying out of basic bodily movements. Attempting to make his off-the-cuff excuse, designed to mask the fact he slipped in the shower… Read more »
US PRESIDENT Joe Biden’s German Shepard Major is to undergo an intensive training regime to get him out of his biting habit, or at least to help ensure he bites the right people from now on. First Dog Major had his chain yanked again this week after helping himself to the hand of a Secret… Read more »