God Finally Ready To Move On From Mary, Joins Tinder

OUT OF THE GAME for the last 2,000 plus years, singleton and Almighty Father, God, is ready to put himself out there again on the dating scene.

“I’ve been out of the game a good while now, so I’m a bit rusty. Is ‘hey’ an alright opener or should I send an angel to tell my match she’s carrying my child?” a visibly nervous looking God said staring at his first match on the dating app Tinder.

“I tried Bumble, but it wasn’t to my liking. Women making the first move, I’m a bit tradish in that sense,” God explained, who for years was happy being on his own but as the days wore on he felt something was missing.

“Bad break ups, missed connections, immaculate ghosting, loss of a loved one, whatever it is for some people it kinda makes them recede into their shell a bit. Take me for example, I’m a bit of a shut in, would take a lot for me to leave Heaven. I’m embarrassed by this but it’s true – I can’t remember the last time I was on a coffee date,” explained God, who got a clear confidence boost from his first few matches.

Matching with 23-year-old nail technician Ellen, a visibly emotional God couldn’t believe his luck when Ellen said ‘yes’ to a first date.

“Ugh, looking at me, goosebumps. Actually shaking. She seems like a lovely girl, we’ve a lot in common so fingers crossed”.

UPDATE: God’s interest in Ellen fizzled out shortly after she told God she was saving herself for marriage due to her faith in him.