Europe Warming Twice The Rate Of Other Continents & You’ve Already Stopped Reading This Haven’t You

LEADING climate monitors have said Europe is warming at twice the rate of other continents and pointed to the 30% rise in heat related deaths in the last 20 years as reason to immediately act and you checked out of this article long ago, didn’t you?

“Have you considered being an ex-boyfriend of Taylor Swift’s? Attending Victoria Beckham’s 50th? Being the social media admin in charge of Nottingham Forest’s Twitter account?” climate scientists were asked by PR specialists in a bid to help scientists get people’s attention when issuing stark facts and projections which will see climate refugees and extreme weather events dominate the 21st century and catastrophically upend societal cohesion.

“Is anyone listening? 30,000 people dying every year from heat related deaths in Europe, 1.5 people affected by floods in Slovenia last year,” a scientist said, trailing off because they full well you had moved on to a humorous video a man accidentally dropping a kettle bell on his nads in a gym.

The body that produced the report, the Copernicus Climate Change Service, have been encouraged to consider a variety of tactics to gain the public’s attention including speaking in recycled Andrew Tate quotes, holding season five of Stranger Things ransom, entering the next Love Island, or staring in a viral video in which an adorably brave pig saves a baby goat from drowning in a pond.

Elsewhere, the Nobel Prize committee have awarded climate scientists a prize for their pioneering and science-defying ability to appear invisible to the general public and politicians alike.