Category: POLITICS

Minister For Justice Seeks Death Penalty For Home Invasions

THE Minister for Justice, Alan Shatter, has said he will pass a mandatory death penalty sentence for burglars and trespassers who continue to break the law and steal from peoples homes. The dramatic decision was proposed late last night by the minister from a hotel bar in Australia – where he attended St Patrick’s Day festivities at the week-end. Mr Shatter claimed the… Read more »

Ian Paisley Returns Home As Heaven Nor Hell Wants Him

THE Reverend and Right Honourable Ian Paisley has returned home today after being refused access to both heaven and hell, a spokeperson for the the former Northern Ireland First Minister said this morning. The 85-year-old was due to ‘move on’  last month but was turned down by the Kingdom of Heaven shortly after his heart failed. An angel source claims Mr…. Read more »

Unemployed Must ‘Pretend’ To Look For Jobs, Says Burton

THE Minister for Social Protection, Joan Burton, has warned today that the long term unemployed must now ‘pretend’ to look for jobs or they will be ‘threatened’ with losing their benefits for ever and ever. Pretending to look for Work, launched by Taoiseach Enda Kenny, Tanaiste Eamon Gilmore and Joan Burton, aims to get thousands of unemployed people falsifying documents and editing… Read more »

Iran ‘Planning’ To Sneak Into Western Homes And Eat Babies While Parents Sleep

AMERICA’S leading intelligence official, James Clapper, warned today that Iran is planning to eat western babies while unsuspecting parents are asleep in their nice, cosy beds. The US director of national intelligence said Iranian special forces, who are hiding all over the world, were plotting to eat random babies in a sick and evil operation code… Read more »

New Waterboarding Technique Does Not Work On Dead People, Claim US Troops

THE US government have confirmed today that a new waterboarding technique initiated by troops in Afghanistan has failed in its goal to extract vital information from dead Taliban fighters. Military officials reported the practice of ‘Urine-boarding’ has now been canned in favour of  reliable and more traditional methods like lancing and stake burning. The unorthodox form of interrogation… Read more »

‘Mandatory German For Both Junior And Leaving Cert Exams’, Says Quinn

THE Minister for education and skills, Ruairi Quinn, has announced at a press conference today that the German language will become mandatory for both Junior and leaving certificates from next year. Mr. Quinn unveiled the €2bn programme – part funded by the EU – at the Shelbourne hotel earlier this morning. The ‘Bildung Macht Frei’ or ‘Education will make… Read more »

Sett Blatter: ‘There Is No Racism In Ireland.’

FIFA President Sett Batter told Waterford Whispers News today that ‘there is no racism in Ireland and Mr. Scully should just shake hands with members of the black community’. The 75-year-old was flown into Dublin airport this morning on a government jet before being whisked off to Naas in a cavalcade of totally awesome cars… Read more »

Waterford Tourism Board Launches €2 Drinks Brochure In Desperate Bid To Attract Visitors To The City

WATERFORD tourism board have launched a brand new €2 drinks brochure and guide book today in a desperate bid to attract visitors to the city. The leaflets high quality print and design was praised by Mayor Pat Hayes who attended the launch in the new civic offices with several other city and county councillors this morning. Mayor Hayes said the new… Read more »

Berlusconi Stands Down After Being Offered Virgin Island Retirement Home

ITALIAN Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced his decision today to stand down from leadership after striking a ‘Virgin Island Retirement home’ deal with parliament. The 75-year-old will be flown to the Caribbean early next week where he will live out the rest of his days in the height of luxury. Berlusconi told the countries president, Giorgio Napolitano, on… Read more »