ANIMAL experts have noticed disturbing signs that suggest the world’s cats are somehow becoming ‘more aware’ of the spike in mortality rates thanks to Covid-19, and are eagerly awaiting making a feast of your remains after you die. “It’s like they can smell the death in the air” said feline expert Augustus O’Flynn, speaking from… Read more »
SPECULATION as to whether local publicans have been having sneaky pints without so much as an invite to loyal customers has not yet been confirmed despite several sightings of proprietors entering and leaving the building. The pubs, which were forced to close due to a nationwide lockdown to curb the Coronavirus, have been teasing local… Read more »
EVERY press conference, news item and expert testimony these days seems to be pleading with everyone to realise that the spread of Covid-19 can only remain low, forging a uncertain and delicate path back to normality if the general public fights off complacency. However, some people who are frankly bored with this shit and couldn’t… Read more »
WITH the government announcing the first steps to planning a ‘phased exit’ from lockdown is to be undertaken with the help of consulting experts such as leading immunologists and virologists, the public has been busy speculating what will open first and when. Ponder no more as WWN has jumped into your aunt’s WhatsApp group and… Read more »
THE NATION’S drug dealers along with strung out users have today made an emotional appeal to An Garda Síochána to loosen checkpoints up and down the country amid one of the most serious drug droughts the underworld has ever seen. Afraid to transport even the smallest of contraband from town to town, city to city,… Read more »
HEALTH officials have warned Supermacs fans to seek professional help if they’re opting to intravenously inject meals directly into their bloodstream after one Waterford man performed the procedure at home, WWN can confirm. Mere seconds after his chicken sandwich meal was delivered, city centre resident Michael Walsh blended the contents of his favourite meal deal… Read more »
DEFINITIVE proof that a stupidity pandemic is at risk of spreading throughout Ireland came in the form of tricolour wielding troglodytes crowding together outside the Four Courts in Dublin, valiantly defying the urge to remain healthy and alive. “George Soros dropped a radioactive 5G bat into some soup just to trick you sheep into getting… Read more »
WEARING a sombre expression, caretaker Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe pointed to a series of charts detailing a projected 10.5% drop in GDP and 22% unemployment before confirming Ireland’s economy ‘has all the bad numbers’. “Okay, do you want the bad news first? Or the appallingly depressing even worse news first?” Donohoe relayed to reporters,… Read more »
WELCOME to How I Spend My Money, a totally original series on WWN that looks at what people in Ireland really do with their hard earned cash. This week we chat to 40-year-old Andrey Petrov, who was flown into Ireland by a food producer in Ireland to work during a pandemic in a manner that… Read more »
TIRED of being told what he can and can’t do during this stupid pandemic lockdown nonsense that doesn’t really affect him, Waterford tough nut Ian Daniels has flouted the law by walking 100m outside his assigned 2km zone. “Fuck da police” exclaimed Daniels, looking over both shoulders in case there were cops hiding in bushes… Read more »
