Category: LOCAL NEWS

Lotto Change Slogan To ‘It Won’t Be You’

THE fiftieth consecutive Lotto jackpot rollover has forced the National Lottery to change its slogan from ‘it could be you’ to ‘it statistically won’t be you’ in order to comply with advertising standards. Although Lotto officials insist that you’re as likely to win the windfall as ever, statisticians have confirmed that the average Irish person… Read more »

Woman Armed With Gin Glass Storms NPHET Meeting, Demands To Know When Girlos Can Go On Mad One

“YOU HAVE me head wrecked Tony Holohan,” shouted an irate Sandra Carmody, gin escaping her glass as she gesticulated wildly and demanded clarification on impending NPHET recommendations to government ahead of the Christmas sessioning season. Storming a National Public Health Emergency Team meeting Carmody, at the end of her tether, sought clarification on fate of… Read more »

People Directly Responsible For Mica Scandal Enjoy Another Perfect Night Of Uninterrupted Sleep

WITH the taxpayer on the hook for the improved €2.2bn Mica redress scheme which remains utterly deaf to the concerns of the homeowners affected, WWN can confirm that those involved in acquiring and supplying the defective blocks have had another flawless night of uninterrupted sleep. “None of that mindfulness app whale ‘sounds of the sea’… Read more »