Enoch Burke Suspended From Prison For Failing To Address Officer By Proper Pronoun

STANDING outside Mountjoy Prison in protest at his latest suspension, Enoch Burke has called for himself to be reinstated into the Irish prison system after once again failing to address someone by their proper pronoun.

According to internal reports, the issue arose during a routine headcount when Officer Dean Kelly reminded inmates that he now goes by his new official pronoun “screw.” The clarification reportedly triggered a 70-minute lecture from Mr Burke, which ended with officers dragging him into confinement for several hours.

“Look, most lads just call me ‘screw’ anyway,” Officer Kelly explained. “To be honest, after spending over 500 days inside with this lad already, everyone just wanted him out of here. So I took one for the team and officially registered myself as ‘screw,’ knowing full well he’d kick off.”

A prison review was later carried out, and the Irish Prison Service agreed to ironically suspend Mr Burke from Mountjoy and all Irish prisons indefinitely, leaving the faith crusader once again standing at the gates of yet another State-run institution.

“You’d think he’d be happy to be free, but no – he’s still out there pissing on about calling people what they want to be called,” one inmate told WWN while peering from a cell window as staff and fellow inmates cheered on the move from inside. “If someone wants to call themselves a banana or a fuckin’ toaster, just call them one and bleedin’ get on with it. Who gives a shite?”

Meanwhile, staff and pupils at Wilson’s Hospital School have reportedly welcomed the development with cautious, traumatised optimism, stating: “We’re free… we’re finally free!”