“Treating People Like Dog Shit Is Honestly My Passion” Future Airport Security Hire Tells Interviewer

“WHERE do I see myself in ten years? Probably right here in this airport. Treating people like absolute dogshit is honestly my passion,” future hire Michael Roche told a panel of interviewers during his second-round interview at London’s Heathrow Airport.

Roche, who admitted he had spent years preparing for the role by being bullied relentlessly in school, proudly detailed decades of experience that he believes make him the perfect candidate for Heathrow’s latest intake of airport security staff.

“Oh I hate everyone equally. It doesn’t matter if you’re Black, Asian, Jewish, white, Christian or Muslim, I’ll treat everyone with the exact same disdain I had for that bitch Tina White who laughed at me in school when I asked her to the graduation debs,” Roche explained, as interviewers nodded appreciatively at his upfront honesty, ticking every box on the form.

“WAIT your bloody turn!” Roche shouted in response to the interview question ‘When can you start?’, once again cementing his suitability as the panel briefly conferred.

“Mr Roche, you may actually be overqualified for this role. It says here you have a college degree in security?” one interviewer asked.

“Look, we have these shitty adult-education courses in Ireland that mean nothing. They’re just to perk up eejits like me who have no real future in the corporate world. Seriously, I’m an ignorant, foul-mouthed incel who spends most of my time taking down people more successful than me online. I’m perfect for this job,” the 37-year-old full-time stay-at-home son replied.

“Welcome aboard, Michael!”