AFTER passing the Oireachtas with a commitment to be introduced with the requisite loopholes and exemptions, renters have welcomed the news that rent increases will be capped at 2% but the absence of a time machine has been lamented by the authors of a study into the new measures. “Really enjoyed reading through the Residential… Read more »
EMOTIONALLY stunted people everywhere have been reassured that they are under no obligation to tightly grip long lost siblings or thought-to-be-dead friends in a passionate embrace soaked in tears, as directed by the Council of Irish Emotions. Aware some people have grown fearful of the recent trend towards being emotionally open and sharing feelings, the… Read more »
“I ACKNOWLEDGE the mistakes of the past and promise to do better going forward,” CEO of Christmas Industries, Santa Claus said, sounding a note of regret over being one of the world’s largest polluters in history. Churning through thousands of megatonnes of coal every year as part of his naughty children measures, Claus will now… Read more »
“I UNDERSTAND it’s a major inconvenience to parents, it’s short notice and it’s yet another interruption to childrens’ education but c’mon let’s not ignore the Covid-shaped elephant in the room anywhere,” began new Minister for Education Barra, taking decisive action in attempt to undo incomprehensible aspects of Covid strategy pursued in recent months in the… Read more »
“JESUS! LORRAINE! Are you trying to kill your father?” said O’Dowd matriarch Patricia as she clutched her crying husband, Derek, close to her chest as he struggled to process the vile venom being spat from the mouth of his youngest daughter. “You were always my favourite and now you’re coming out with this stuff, are… Read more »
THE battering of the west coast by Storm Barra has been met with praise by journalists across the country, who had grown weary of constant stories about Covid, new variants, restrictions and all that jazz. “Power outages! Oh, how I’ve prayed for power outages!” said one of our fellow members of the Irish Brotherhood Of… Read more »
“SLOW DOWN and watch out for fallen debris? I’m sick of them talking to us like we’re children,” said one fed up anti-stormer as they drove along a coastal road in an act of patriotic, freedom loving defiance. “Met Éireann and NSHET are in the pocket of Big Weather”. It’s a pattern repeating itself around… Read more »
“WHAT IN the ever shitting Christ,” marveled Met Éireann HQ personnel as they monitored the incoming Storm Barra, their worst fears realised. “Is this the bit where one of us says ‘may God have mercy on us all’, like in a Hollywood disaster movie?” Evelyn Cusack said as the latest volume flow analysis of Storm… Read more »
DESPITE new requirements for inbound flights into Dublin taking effect today, local man returning from holiday Anthony Roundtree can report exclusively that he was asked for absolutely nothing by various airline and airport authorities. “No, not even the cert. Not a word of a lie,” a flabbergasted Roundtree shared, raising his eyebrows skyward several times… Read more »
SOMEHOW talking like a Salvador Dali painting being put in a blender, the government reiterated to the public that they are just as angry as the public is at NPHET for being entirely responsible for the coalition’s own appalling efforts at communication. “Many sad also, but public remember; dancy dancy place close because NPHET do… Read more »
