Here’s What Simon Harris Offered Independent TDs In Exchange For Voting Him In As Taoiseach


WHILE SIMON Harris is the sort of politician who relies solely on his incredible charisma and knack for the common touch, others have wrongly suggested that in order to gain the support of rural independent TDs in his bid to be voted in as the new Taoiseach he may have been reduced to embarrassing begging and striking of back room deals.

If this was the case, political experts have suggested those deals could include the following:

Offering to personally dig dozens of fresh potholes so that independent TDs have something to claim they’d fix for constituents.

To secure Michael Lowry’s support Harris said he would strongly consider publicly backing calls for The Michael Lowry Musuem Of Irish Corruption to be built in Tipperary.

While Harris couldn’t fully commit to the idea, he said if the Healy Raes can catch Eamon Ryan in a fair foot chase then he wouldn’t stand in their way if they wanted to use his skin for new flat caps.

If he’s in the queue for the Dáil canteen he will let them sneak in front of him.

The independents will be the only TDs who aren’t required to address Harris as The Tiktokseach.

For a period of time no greater than one calendar year, the TDs are entitled to Harris’s little chocolate he gets when he buys a coffee in Butlers.

Harris wooed Noel Grealish by confirming that the independent’s previous anti-immigrant comments would seem tame after Harris instructs his Fine Gael colleagues to start trying to attract racist knuckle dragging voters.

Marc MacSharry said he’d settle for Simon Harris posing for a selfie with him and calling him ‘the bestest little independent TD anyone could wish for’.

Harris also stated that while no one made it a condition of their support, he would ramp up his party’s efforts to pretend farming has no role in the negative impacts of climate change.

Harris also confirmed that while he is aware there is a housing crisis that needs solving, he knew some independent TDs were landlords so he solemnly pledged not to implement any solutions.