“The Current Shower In Charge Haven’t A Fucking Clue”

DESCRIBING IT as an ‘out of body experience’ Simon Harris felt his mind ‘completely wipe’ during his Fine Gael ardfheis speech, which goes some way to explaining why he so freely criticised “whatever shower of thick shits have been running this country into the ground the last 13 years”.

“I said what?” a worried Harris said to party colleagues, moments after stepping away from the lectern at which he delivered a damning speech that sounded like it was coming from the leader of an opposition party and yet largely copy and pasted from Leo Varadkar’s first speech as party leader.

“I said we needed tax cuts because the middle class are drowning? We need more police ‘cus the streets have gone to the dogs? We’re not building enough houses? The health system is in shit? Oh Christ,” Harris now added, braced in a fetal position and rocking back and forth.

The new Fine Gael leader described a sensation of blacking out, and doesn’t recall making 42,357 separate pledges to fix problems successive Fine Gael governments have created or made worse.

A panicked Harris was made to feel slightly better after a colleague reassured him that he did at least get a mention in about immigration being the stock scapegoat for all of Ireland’s ills.

Harris said this isn’t the first time such a memory block has occurred, as he admitted as Minister for Health he made he has no recollection of pledging to end the waiting list for children with scoliosis who require spinal surgery.