Better Resurrection Than Jesus: Man On The Bag All Weekend Clocks In For Work At 9am


“SOME MAY disagree but I saw the horrendous state Neil was in on both Friday AND Saturday, so for him to sitting at his desk beside at 8.58am this morning, he’s as much if not more of a Miracle Man than God’s son,” explained one coworker of local man Neil Pavlins, a man dead to the world circa 4am Monday morning, 2024AD.

Such is fresh faced demeanour and straight-from-the-shower smell emanating from Pavlins, many people at O’Nonnan’s Technological Solutions can scarcely believe what they are witnessing.

“I get it now, why everyone was so jazzed about Jesus and the tomb lark, I was sure Neil had seen the inside of more bags than a Bangladeshi child sewing sling bags for Boohoo. Like, I was giving slim odds of him seeing sunlight again the state he was in but he lives, he is reborn” confirmed fellow snorter and coworker Cormac Clannigan.

While no crowds have gathered outside the offices of O’Nonnans Technological Solutions, it is expected that once word spreads of his incredible feat, the followers will emerge.

“Jaysus Neil, last time I saw you you were buried under more snow than an avalanche in the French alps, haha. I laugh because your cocaine use makes me uncomfortable haha, but it just seems like it’s accepted these days so I don’t want to come across as a moany old shite, haha. That was gas on Friday, haha, the work night out. The rage in your eyes, and all that twitching, haha. But seriously, it’s ruining your life and you’re this close to being fired,” confirmed employer Kevin O’Nonnan.

UPDATE: Four separate forwarded WhatsApp messages are now circulating throughout the country’s group chats, each celebrating the resurrection of Pavlin, with each account throwing in their own embellishments about the chosen one of the session.